Here is how My Story evolved. What is Your Story?
Knowing who I am has been a driving force for many years and I have searched for the meaning of my story for as long as I can remember.
In my teens I was interested in finding out more about my ancestors, where they came from, who they were, what they did, etc. It was for me a way to inform my life and my story. If I knew who my ancestors were, maybe I could understand myself better.
In my twenties, my search evolved at a more personal level. I wanted to know how relationships influenced me. Relationships with boyfriends, with family, with anyone. It was the beginning of putting together the puzzle of my life. Who was I, why did I react this way rather than that way, what were my issues, etc. Then, I blamed more than I took responsibility.
In my thirties, after a depression and 18 months with a therapist I began to unravel some of the pieces that had been holding me back. The puzzle was being assembled and I could start seeing the whole picture of my life. It explained how something that took place when I was one year old influenced my eating disorder and relationship with food. How a teacher who shamed me when I was 6 stopped me from stepping forward in many aspects of my life. How 2 men who sexually abused me when I was 11 changed my relationship to men and my sexuality in dramatic ways. It was a long process, both painful and exhilarating.
In my forties, with all this information in hand I began to consciously building my story. I had to understand me. I had to know why I reacted a particular way to a particular event or trigger. I became very involved in deep personal processes to resolve my issues with myself and others in my life. The weaving of people in my life always intrigued me and understanding the relationships in a deeper way felt good. I attended many workshops and found out a lot more about me. I eventually started to be gentle with myself and to like myself. For a while I thought I had arrived.
Today, at 52, I have realized that my story is keeping me hostage. I was looking at the past too often to understand my present. I also became aware that I was keeping other people in my life hostage with expectations and the way I wanted them to fit in my story. This intimate relationship with my story is not quite working anymore.
I now understand that I am not separate, that I am ONE with myself and everyone around me. From this place, I do not need my story anymore. And so, I consciously let go of it… as much I as could. Of course, emotions still come up and my exercise today is to let go of the fear, frustration, anger, etc. as energies and not attached them to a particular story.
Today I thrive to see my life and the world around me with new eyes every day, and be in the present at each instant. It is freeing. I feel free. I AM.
Every morning, before my feet hit the ground I can see the scroll of my “to do” list roll down in front of my eyes and some days it is pretty long. Some days I get tired just looking at it. A good friend of mine told me it is a “woman’ thing. Readers, tell me if that is true for you too. One thing I know is that my husband doesn’t have a “to do” list coming to life as he wakes up. Lucky him. As I go about my day I cross items off my list. And yet I often go to bed feeling I have not accomplished much.
I read the quote “what if success was measured by what we achieve inwardly?” as part of a longer post on Facebook and it called me to question how I view my own worth. Am I successful even if I have no measurable accomplishment to show for? Am I successful simply because I was connected to my heart all day? I want to believe it and having been a type A personality most of my life, this is not an easy task. I like, or used to like, crossing off items off my to do list at the end of the day. It gave me a high and I could go to bed content. Now I meditate before going to bed and connect to the Love energy I have for myself and others. Funny enough, it still fees like a huge accomplishment. I am waiting for the day when it feels totally natural, when I do not question what I do and when how I feel matters more than what I do because it is what guides my life.
I recently caught a tweet that gave a quote from James Allen (possibly the self improvement British guru who died in 1912): “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” My inner belief is that Love is the only real emotion, the only real energy and the only real guide for my life. So if I am Love, my reflection is Love. If I am inward success, my reflection to the world is success.
I love quotes. They help me grow. Just like the Dalai Lama says: “It is your mind that creates this world.” I ponder on this one everyday and I am not done with it…